It was early August
When I was quite surprised
To find myself with Dudley
Off of Privet Drive
I was about ready to kill him
When Dementors came along

I said “Oh, no!
Sucking our souls out won't do.”

Well I did not think old Fudge
Could be so cruel
Am I never going back
To my old school?

Bubotubers and fanged geraniums
Soon they're gonna be in bloom
On the Hogwarts grounds
Fudge can’t stand me
Doing what I did before
Using magic just a little bit
In emergencies
Well I'll hear the whistle blow but I can't go
I'm gonna take myself back to Grimmauld Place

I say, “Oh, no!
Privet Drive, Little Whinging won't do.”

I don’t think that even Snape
Could be so cruel
Am I never going back
To my old school?

Caledonia
Tumbles into the sea
That'll be the day I go
Back to Privet Drive
Tried to warn you
About Voldemort and Wormtail
But I can't seem to get to you
Through the wizard’s mail
Well I'll hear the whistle blow but I can't go
I'm gonna take myself back to Grimmauld Place
I say, “Oh, no!
Little Whinging in Surrey won’t do.”

I didn’t think the Wizengamot
Would be so cruel
Am I never going back
To my old school?

-- Fool of a Took