From the Floating Log at Frogmorton

If I Only Had the Ring

I could while away the hours
Rewriting The Two Towers
With me as the High King.
And the rest of the Istari
Would all be really sorry
If I only had the Ring.
If Ugluk doesn’t blow it
(But he will – I know it)
Then I’ll soon have the Ring.
I gave them a simple job, it
Was to get a hobbit
So now where is that Ring?
Oh I shouldn’t have sent
Those Orcs, and irked the Ents.
But Middle-Earth needs more technology
So I will make no apology.
I won’t have to hear Mithrandir
Saying “Give me that Palantir”
If I only get the Ring.
But now where are my orcs?
What a bunch of useless dorks!
Can’t trust them with anything.
When I get that Ringbearer
There will be a reign of terror
As soon as I have the Ring
But there’s no margin for error;
Sauron is not a sharer
So I’d better get that Ring!
****************
Boromir & Gollum join in:
Life is sad, believe me Frodo, 
When your old man's gone loco 
From waiting for a King 
What's a sword that was broken. 
I wouldn't need that Tolkien token 
If I only had that Ring. 
  
I'm afraid there's no denying,
I was written in for dying, 
Fate's a lousy thing 
But I could be savior of Gondor, 
There'd be no need to ponder, 
If I only had the Ring. 
  
Oh I - could kill the Orcs, 
Chase the forces of Darkness off, 
I'd throw out all the goblins and the Wargs, 
And then I'd save Rohan as well. 
  
I'd defeat all Sauron's minions, 
The Nazgul, I'd clip their pinions, 
Those Beasts could not take wing, 
I'd use it for the right, not serve Darkness, but serve Light, 
If I only had the Ring. 
************* 
When a Gollum's lost his precious, 
The problem isn't specious, 
And ‘tis a terrible thing. 
Just because we're presuming, 
That we would not be glooming, 
If we only had that Ring. 
  
We'd be handsome, we'd be brainy, 
And not quite so insaney, 
Regarding everything. 
We'd be friends with the Elveses, 
Who are so full of themselveses, 
If we only had that Ring. 
  
Picture us, with hobbitses, 
As they says to us, 
"Gollum is greates'." 
We hears it, my Precious! 
  
Just to experience the power, 
See them tremble when we glower, 
And to control it all, 
We would stay young and handsome 
(Should've paid Bagginses the ransom) 
If we only had the Ring.

-- Robin Smallburrow and Dulcinea Ludicross